What I wrote last year and how it is still relevant in 2014

Robin Williams took his life yesterday. I heard the news on my way to school. To say that I am in shock is an understatement, but I hid it well at my workplace.

Depression is a cold-hearted beast, a Black Dog that morphs into a salivating hateful creature and stays with you. It hides, forcing you to think it’s back to normal. But it is always there. This is what I wrote last year:

There are moments when I feel trapped by circumstances and the resentment tastes like burnt gunpowder. Trust me. I want to attend cons. I want to attend big-ass literary festivals. Damn, I want to be recognized. But things like work and family are not going away. A writer needs to eat. A writer still needs to live. So when I see people talking about cons and geek stuff, I get… depressed and the real depression kicks in. Getting out of bed is a struggle. Getting myself to believe myself is a battle. How come I can’t do this? Why am I so unlucky? Why can I just shut up, pull my bootstraps up and “hang in there”?

For people who know me, I have hypertension. Then in the mid-2000s, I was diagnosed with depression. At the moment I look and feel ‘normal’, whatever ‘normal’ is. I hide it quite well, apparently, because people see the happy and cheerful Joyce.

At the moment I consider being alive a triumph.

What do all these things got to do with me as a writer? Writing helps me cope. Writing is breathing for me. Writing is an outlet, a world I can go in and be safe, feel safe. Yet the hydra of self-doubt is often lurking nearby. Sometimes I have it cowed. Sometimes I feed it and it grows bigger, more gnarly and hurtful. This will be a continual journey and battle for me until the day I stop writing and stop believing in myself.

So I keep on fighting, fighting and fighting.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. andrewknighton
    Aug 12, 2014 @ 17:21:28

    Writing also helps me to cope with depression. Reading about Robin Williams’s death triggered a lot of reflection on that depression, and reading someone else share their experience, as you have so eloquently here, helps.


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